Welcome to Walter's Apartment !
by Charafi
Summary: CROSSOVER Watchmen / Joe's Apartment. Walter after losing his job has to find a new apartment, unfortunately the only one he can afford is full of talking and singing cockroaches.


**Disclaimer: I don't own _Watchmen_, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons do, the same for _Joe's Apartment_, MTV owns it, and of course I'm not paid.**

**I had this weird crossover-idea after watching _Joe's Apartment_ (for those who don't know it's a comedy with talking and singing cockroaches living in the very very filthy apartment of a guy named Joe in New York), I thought that the cockroaches from the movie would love Rorschach, since they share similar ideas about hygiene, but I don't think he would like them: they're quite sex maniacs, rude, invasive and so on.**

**Here, Rorschach in Joe's position, looking for an apartment, and meets the same difficulties more or less.**

**The story takes place before the events of the comics (or movie, it can happen in both), shortly after the Keene Act. Enjoy !**

**Welcome to Walter's Apartment !**

_Rorschach journal, 1977, November 27_

_Lost my job today, good riddance. More time to fight crime now. Just one problem: gotta find a new apartment: not enough to pay the rent of the old one now. Looking for apartment during the day, saw new evidences of the corruption of this city, outrageously high prices for apartments where even cockroaches and rats wouldn't live, would be funny if it was a joke, but it isn't._

_Today, the first landlord I met, probably a pimp, remember to investigate, asked me fifteen hundred bucks a month for a slum in Brooklyn, when I pointed him there was a big hole in the ceiling he told me it was a private atrium. Another example of the hypocrisy and disregard towards others human beings that had rotten this country, another asked me eleven hundred for a hellhole with practically no floor this time. The last I've seen was a whore, judging by her look and all her children from different fathers obviously, she just told me to "fuck myself" when I shows up, didn't ask the price, go away immediately. Would have liked to hit her but I can't when I'm not in uniform. Too bad._

_Better find a new apartment quickly, winter's coming, already snow in the streets, but it can't remain white, unspoiled, like everything in this damn city. Cant' remain homeless in this season._

·][·

_Rorschach journal, 1977, November 28_

_Finally found an apartment I can afford, the owner is less worse than the others. A crazy cat lady, probably a former whore judging by her make-up and the way her sinful style of life deformed her body, she yelled at me for "scaring one of her poor little darlings". The stupid beast had scratched me, I kicked it, if one of these creatures try this again, I'll throw it from the window, just to check if what people says about cats having nine lives is true._

·][·

On the morning, after returning from a crime-fighting night, Walter entered into his apartment, an awfully filthy one that would have disgusted anyone except him, he was about to eat some corn flakes left by the former tenant as he was reading the _Newsfrontierman_ from yesterday. Focused on his reading, he didn't heard the little high-pitched whispers coming from pretty much everywhere in the apartment.

"Hey, guys ! Look, a new-comer !"

"Let's get closer, I don't see him."

"No, we'll stay hidden. Remember how the humans tend to act when they see us."

Indeed, the humans tended to scream and smash them if it happened, did I mention they were cockroaches ? No ? Well, now you know it.

"Oh no, he's got Ralphie !" exclaimed one of the cockroaches as he noticed one of his friend was on the spoon full of corn flakes Walter was holding, he noticed the bug just before bringing it to his mouth.

"What are you waiting for ? Jump !"

"He's gonna die !"

"I don't want to see that !"

But, instead of scratching him he just put the little bug back on the table and kept eating as Ralphie ran away.

·][·

Some days after, the bugs were enjoying the apartment as the human was absent, as it was often the case.

"Hey guys ! This dude, Walter: he never cleans, he never takes a shower, he never clean the dishes, nor his clothes, he stinks horribly and I think I've never seen him using the toilets. He's the dirtiest human being on earth ! I think I'm in love !"

Ralphie fainted after saying that

"Yeah, and he let us the apartment all day and all night !"

"A real prince !"

"By the way, what can he do at night ?"

"Dunno, go to the brothel maybe ?"

"We have to know. Who wanna follow him next time he's out ?"

"Me ! Me ! Me !" shrieked many excited cockroaches.

·][·

Walter came near the garbage-can after being absolutely sure no one had followed him, well no human being at least, he wasn't paranoid to the point of mistrusting animals yet. So, why would he ever notice the cockroaches on the other garbage-can ?

"Look Ralph, he's looking into the garbage, he's even filthier than we thought !"

"He takes clothes from it ? No wonder why he stinks that much."

"Look, he's wearing a mask now, a mask with shifting inkblots !"

"I don't know why he's hiding his face that way. He's not that ugly for a human."

"Guys, our roommate he's moving. Let's follow him !"

And they all flied some meters behind the vigilante.

·][·

A woman screamed in the night

"No ! Please no..." she begged as she was sobbing and shaking

"Come on baby, you'll be very nice to me and I won't ruin your pretty little face. Maybe," said the man as he was pinning the woman against a wall and zipping his jeans off.

Unnoticed bugs were witnessing the scene, sat on a garbage can as if they were watching a movie.

"Well, looks like we have everything to make a good story: the damsel in distress, the villain..."

Rorschach came silently behind the rapist and caught him pants down, literally.

"... and the knight in shiny armor."

"Er, in trench-coat, Ralphie," corrected one of them. "A filthy one, I should add."

"Well, even knights need to update."

"Hey, the damsel is running away !"

"There will be no kissing in the end then."

"Good, I've never liked romance. Oh goody, looks like it's turning into a horror movie !" he commented as Rorschach was beating the man to death in a quite gory way.

"Want some popcorn ?"

"I wouldn't say no !"

·][·

Rorschach dropped the rapist's body near the police station with a note bearing his signature and the word "never" and left, unaware of the little bugs that had been following him all the time.

"This human is really good, whatever his name is."

"I don't understand. What's his name ? Walter or Rorschach ?"

"Rorschach ?"

"I think the dead guy called him so when he was begging for mercy before getting his neck broken."

"Who cares about his name ? He's still cool !"

"My friends, I think it's time we introduce ourselves to Walter. Who agrees ?" asked Ralphie

A lot of "Me !" were received as an answer.

·][·

Rorschach had now put back the harmless disguise of Walter Kovacs, someone who passed completely unnoticed, well not enough since his crazy landlady kept asking him for the rent and suspected him of the disappearance of one of her precious cats, which was perfect for him.

"Hello Walter !"

"Who said that? Show yourself !" he ordered as he prepared to fight

"Just us."

"Us ? How many are you?"

"About 2504 at the last census."

"Not funny."

"We're not trying to be funny, we're all in this apartment."

"All the 2504 of you are in this tiny crappy flat ? Better go then."

"Many have tried but it's very difficult to get rid of us, you know ?"

"Yes, we're cockroaches after all. On your right, Wally."

He turned his head and saw one cockroach on his right shoulder, which wouldn't have surprised him that much if the cockroach in question wasn't standing on its posterior members almost like a human and hadn't lighted up a cigarillo.

"Now, let's introduce ourselves to you Walter. I'm Ralphie and these are my buddies and family. Show yourselves, come on, don't be shy !"

And hundreds of cockroaches approached to Walter, making the floor looks dark, and said many names at the same time.

I became mad, thought Walter, just like Mothman, but it cannot be alcohol in his case, he doesn't drink, not at all, maybe he's inhaled some of the illegal substance the dealers made in this clandestine laboratory he visited. Yes, it had to be that.

"So Wally, what do you say ?"

"Y... You can talk ?"

"We don't only talk."

"We can also sing !"

The cockroach were now singing and dancing Broadway's style in front of a dumbfounded Walter:

_Humans, Humans, Humans ! Huuuuumaaaans !_

_Humans can all disappear, we don't give a damn,_

_Launching their missiles everywhere,_

_We don't caaaaaaare !_

_When you'll be little piles of ashes_

_We'll all survive in your trasheeeees !_

_We've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you !_

_And we don't care about you !_

_Why worry about hypothetical nuclear war ?_

_We survived dinosaurs, scratching, smashing and so on,_

_And what about all the horrors in this world ?_

_War, missiles. Come on, do your worst !_

_We've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you !_

_And we don't care about you !_

_At least that's what we used to think, until we met you._

_You're dirty, and crazy, and angry,_

_But we love you Walllllllllyyy !_

_So please stay with us,_

_Don't run like the others._

_We'll be extra-nice to you !_

_And we'll make a cockroach out of youuu !_

The song and dance stopped there, but Ralphie added:

"Well, we mean more than you already are."

"What ?"

"Making a cockroach out of you."

"So, what do you say ?" asked Rodney

"What do I say about talking and singing cockroaches living in my apartment ? Go out !"

"Why ?" moaned all the little voices

"Because it's my apartment, my food, my stuff. I paid for it, you didn't, so don't touch anything you little commies !"

"Looks like you didn't understood the part about _we've been here long before you and we'll be here long after you_, pal !"

"What are you doing Walter ?" asked Ralph

"Going out. And when I'm back I don't want to see any of you !" answered the crime-fighter before shutting the door behind him.

·][·

Finally Walter returned in his apartment and saw and hear nothing, just what he thought: it must have been the drugs and he had imagined all this, this time he didn't come in a drug lab, he just beat to death some top knots. He fell asleep pretty soon.

·][·

Four hours after, he woke up and saw food on the table, well food that could no longer be eaten by people who weren't bums or weren't starving: rotten meat and fishes, rotten fruits, banana peels, half eaten pizzas, there also was a little broken vase full of faded flowers and a little jailbird-shaped candle lit.

"What the..." began the vigilante

"Hello Walter !"

"Look at this beautiful breakfast, a king 's meal ! So, you're not mad at us anymore ?"

"Can we stay ? Say yes, pleeease !"

"What is he doing ?"

"He's leaving already ?"

"And quite fast."

·][·

Rorschach ran downstairs and left the building, he had just decided that the apartment of the whore with children of different races was not so bad after all. After that, he tried his best to convince himself this story never happened.

·][·

Some days later, the real owners of the apartment were discussing.

"Face it guys, Wally's not coming back."

"I don't understand why he left. We've been extra-nice to him !"

"Except for the breakfast, he didn't even touch it !"

"And everything was perfectly rotten."

A lot of high-pitched "Sure" and "Yeah" could be heard as an answer from the cockroaches.

"I guess he's just been afraid. Humans really think we can't talk, you know ?"

"Oh yeah ?"

"They're really fucking stupid then !"

"I say we should follow him, it's not everyday we find a human looking so much like us. Who's with me ?"

**THE END ?  
><strong>

**I really hope the song was not too awful, it's already hard to write a song in your native language, so writing it in a foreign language... Well, you get the picture. This song was a pastiche of two songs of the movie (_Won't you be my Bug ?_ and _Welcome to Joe's Apartment_), you can find these two easily on youtube.**

**And for those who didn't see the movie, I advise you to watch it, it's one of the craziest and funniest things I've ever seen.**

**And please, tell me what you think about it, it would be nice.**


End file.
